My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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