Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
