gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
