I love black thongs
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
