so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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