I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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