Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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