There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
