I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm passing your future prison.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
