my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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