I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
