I am spending my child support on dildos
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
