Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
