His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
