the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
