Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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