I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
