I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
