Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
