hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
