how can u be prego again
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize