We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
