my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
