Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
