his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
