a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
