Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
