I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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