I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
