I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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