The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
