No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
