Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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