just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
