I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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