he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
