I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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