apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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