I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
"it" just moved
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
