Nicole vs. Life
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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