I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ttyl tear gas
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
