she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
