The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
