Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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