Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
