I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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