based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
