I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
