its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
