It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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