i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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