John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
