We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize