I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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