hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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