Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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