nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You ruined the universe
Randomize
