The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
