mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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